


Tell Me What It's Like

by Toonbly



Category: HLVRAI - Fandom, Half Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware
Genre: And actual death!, Angst, Benrey dies but he gets better, Canon-Typical Violence, Dialogue Heavy, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Near Death Experiences, Pining, Some Fluff, Temporary Character Death, gordons just an all around good dude :], is gordon pining? who knows maybe hes just being a sweetie, no beta readers we die like men, takes place in Black Mesa
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-29
Updated: 2020-09-29
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:46:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26711656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Toonbly/pseuds/Toonbly
Summary: Benrey is incapable of dying.Well, technically.He’s died dozens of times before. A handful of times when he lived on Xen, a handful of times while here in Black Mesa, and so on. You know how it goes, stop paying attention mid battle and have some headcrab zombie take you out. Or your friend presses a button a little too early and you end up getting crushed and split in half by a door. Sucks to suck, I guess. It happens sometimes. And, as you could guess, he’s come back from it every single time. So really, you’d think it wasn’t a problem.But it is. It’s a huge fucking problem.---Benrey dies, comes back, and he and Gordon have a talk.
Relationships: Benrey/Gordon Freeman
Comments: 23
Kudos: 382





	Tell Me What It's Like

Benrey is incapable of dying.

Well, technically.

He’s died dozens of times before. A handful of times when he lived on Xen, a handful of times while here in Black Mesa, and so on. You know how it goes, stop paying attention mid battle and have some headcrab zombie take you out. Or your friend presses a button a little too early and you end up getting crushed and split in half by a door. Sucks to suck, I guess. It happens sometimes. And, as you could guess, he’s come back from it every single time. So really, you’d think it wasn’t a problem.

But it is. It’s a huge fucking problem, because it hurts like a bitch and it takes forever to come back. That’s not even mentioning where he ends up while he’s waiting to revive, either. It’s this...well, calling it a “place” is difficult.

Because there’s nothing there, not even him, technically. Well, okay, he’s there. He knows he’s there because he can think and look around at stuff. Even though there’s nothing to really look at, it’s just...pitch black for as far as the eye can see. He’s there for a while and then suddenly he’s back in his body and it doesn’t hurt anymore.

That’s another thing- dying hurts. A lot.

Like yeah, he just comes back in the end, so it’s fine. But he still feels it every time it happens- sometimes even for a few hours after the fact. Sometimes there’s scars left behind- like that huge one that encircles his entire lower abdomen from the door incident. That one was pretty gross, and it didn’t stop hurting for days. Luckily nothing that bad has happened in a few days, but still. It kinda sucks. 

Usually it happens when he’s alone, too. So there’s that. Sometimes it’s loud, because a lot of his deaths have happened in the middle of fights. Gunshots, explosions, Gordon shouting orders at the team (or just in frustration, they make him put up with a lot of shit.) Sometimes, though, it’s quiet. Too quiet.

Those times are the worst ones.

Once, he’d gotten lost from the rest of the team. He wasn’t sure how he’d managed it, honestly. Benrey had a habit of dozing off and kinda...wandering around until he snapped back to reality. This particular instance would prove costly. Walked right into a military ambush. At first he’d gotten away scot free, but shock is one hell of a drug. Benrey stumbled into a nearby hallway, hiding away from his attackers. One glance down and he realized  _ oh fuck, he’s going to die again.  _ His body was littered with gunshot wounds, his bulletproof vest hadn’t done his legs and sides any favors. It was seconds after that the pain had set it, sending Benrey collapsing to the floor.

He remembers wrapping his arms around himself, clenching his eyes closed and waiting for it to be over.

It was so, so  **_quiet._ **

“Benrey.”

A pair of snapping fingers are quick to snap Benrey out of his train of thought.

“huh, wh-” Benrey looks to his side, Gordon’s standing there.

“Were you fucking paying attention at all!?”

“uhhh..” He smacks his lips, “...no?”

“Goddammit-” Gordon huffs, burying his face in his hands for a brief moment. He then gestures to the room around them, “We’re LOST!”

Benrey follows Gordon’s gesture, and- well. Shit. Yeah, he has no idea where they are. Coomer, Bubby, and Tommy are nowhere in sight, either. 

“oh. huh. where’s uhh..where’s tommy and all them?”

“I DON’T KNOW, MAN! They rushed ahead and I was dragging you along to find them and suddenly we end up HERE and I have NO FUCKING CLUE WHERE-”

Benrey puts a hand on Gordon’s shoulder, “hey, gordon calm down? gordon chill, please? no shouty? please and thank you?”

Gordon stares down at him, before brushing his hand off his shoulder with a heavy sigh, “Right- Sorry. Just- Let’s find the team.”

With that, Gordon begins walking down a nearby hallway. Benrey is quick to follow. Gordon starts saying...something, honestly Benrey isn’t paying that much attention. He’s dozing off again- an hold habit of his, and a hard one to break. His vision traces over splattered blood on the walls, follows the small bugs that scurry across Black Mesa’s floor, jumps back and forth between the ceiling and the floor, it does anything but pay attention to what’s around him. 

That was his first mistake.

A loud BANG brings him back to reality, and in an instant he realizes they’re being fired at.

Soldiers jump out from behind crates and corners alike, taking fire as quick as they can.

Gordon is immediate in his reaction, firing back and smacking anyone who gets too close with his crowbar. 

Benrey takes a few shots, though most of his focus is on- well- NOT GETTING SHOT. He’ll come back if he does, he knows that, but-

His train of thought is once again interrupted when he notices something.

Something Gordon doesn’t.

Gordon turns swiftly, his back to an open corridor as he fires at multiple soldiers running towards him with their weapons blazing. Behind him, hidden just out of his sight, is another one of those bootboys aiming his gun directly at Gordon’s back.

Benrey moves quickly, running out behind Gordon-

And everything happens at once.

A series of BANGS, one right after the other, a searing hot pain in his side, the impact as he hits the ground, Gordon shouting-  **_screaming-_ ** something but he’s not sure  **_what-_ **

His ears are ringing.

They’re ringing and it’s so familiar.

His vision becomes blurry.

They’re ringing and he knows what this means.

He can’t keep his eyes open.

His ears are ringing, and it’s so loud-  _ it’s all so  _ **_loud_ ** **.** Gordon shouting, gunfire, ringing-

Gordon shouting.

Gunfire.

Ringing.

_ Gordon. _

_ Gunfire. _

_ Ringing. _

**_Gordon-_ **

..Wait, Gordon..?

There’s hands on his shoulders, he doesn’t even realize it at first. Wait, no- that’s not it. There’s one hand on one shoulder, and...an arm wrapped around him?  _ Where is he- _

...What is he looking at?

Benrey attempts to blink away the blurriness of his vision- He realizes now that the orange blob he’s staring at is, in fact, Gordon. Eventually his shape becomes more clear. Those beautiful long brown locks of hair, the scruff that dusts his face, tan skin and eyes so dark and infatuating that Benrey could find himself lost in them for  _ hours- _

Yep, it’s Gordon alright.

And he’s saying...something. The ringing is still there, it’s hard to tell what he’s saying.

...Is he scared?

He looks scared.

That’s not really...unusual here, to be frank Benrey’s not sure if he’s ever really seen the guy at peace but-

He’s never seen him so...mortified, either.

Gordon’s staring at something, something on Benrey.

Benrey slowly shifts his gaze downwards.

It takes a moment to process the dark red stains seeping through his uniform on his side. Where his vest wasn’t protecting him.

...Oh.

Oh  _ shit. _

“-rey? Fuck, fuck okay-” Oh, the ringing stopped, “I can- I dunno if there’s a medstation nearby-”

“..gordon?”

Gordon stops talking. His mouth snaps shut and he looks Benrey in the eyes. Whatever it is that Gordon sees, Benrey doesn’t want to know.

Not if it makes him look at him like  _ that. _

“‘s, uh...it’s fine, man.” Benrey finally manages to muster up the energy to say anything beyond Gordon’s name. His voice is...low, raspy. He’s always been one to lack expression in his words, but something about this isn’t right.

“I- Benrey you don’t-”

“i come back. you uh..you know that.”

“But you- You’re hurt. R-Right like- Does- Does it not hurt..?”

Benrey weakly laughs, blood beginning to trickle out his mouth as he does so. He laughs, and he laughs and _ he laughs and he _ **_laughs-_ **

But there’s no joy to be found in the words he says next.

“it’s gonna...start hurtin’ soon, yeah...it’s..whatever.”

Apparently, Gordon’s not sure what to say to that. He doesn’t speak a word afterwards, and instead takes to gazing around the room. Maybe he’s trying to spot a medical station, or looking out for enemies or- something. Anything other than talking.

...It’s quiet.

Even with the soft ringing in his ears, it’s so quiet.

Benrey can hear his own pulse in his ears, but it’s quiet.

He can hear his own ragged breaths, and Gordon’s shallow, almost panicked ones, but it’s quiet.

He can hear himself sharply inhale as the pain begins to set it, but it’s quiet.

His sides burn as though hot iron is being pressed into his skin. And it’s quiet.

Tears begin to prick at his eyes, he wraps his arms around himself best he can, and it’s  _ quiet. _

Gordon is right there, looking around for- fuck, who knows what- and it’s **_quiet._ **

**_It’s so. Fucking. Quiet._ **

“gordon-” Benrey’s voice comes out as an honest to god  _ plea. _

Gordon immediately snaps to attention, “What? I- Dude I don’t- don’t know if there’s a med station I dunno what to-”

“just- fucking- say  _ anything- _ stop being so fucking  **_quiet-”_ **

“Benrey-”

“please-” Benrey sobs, raising a shaken hand and pressing it to Gordon’s chest, “please dude i’m- i fucking- can’t- don’t want to be alone-”

“Benrey, hey, hey- I...Fuck, man- Breathe, okay?” Gordon puts his hand over the one Benrey has pressed to his chest, “You..I’m. I’m right here. Not going anywhere..”

Benrey grips onto Gordon’s hand as if his life depended on it.

In a way, it did.

Benrey lets out a strangled sob, tremors wracking his body as the pain finally sets in.

Gordon is still talking, though.

He’s muttering little reassurances, and it’s only now does Benrey realize that he’s practically being cradled in Gordon’s arms.

It’s little things-  _ you’re okay, it’ll be alright, you’ll come back, it’ll be over soon, I’m not leaving, I’m right here, I  _ **_promise-_ ** words that are laced with...an unfamiliar sweetness to Benrey.

Don’t get him wrong, he’s heard Gordon talk all sweetly before. He’s heard the hundreds of “I love you”’s exchanged between he and Coomer (who was, no doubt, a fatherly figure to Gordon), the pride in his voice each time Tommy gets a good shot, the affection weaved into his sentences whenever sarcastically bantering with Bubby- He’s heard it many, many times.

It’s just...never been so clearly directed at him.

He wants to savor every moment of it.

It’s funny how the first- and for all he knows, the last- time he hears it is when he’s on his deathbed for the hundredth time.

Maybe he should save Gordon’s ass more often.

Benrey’s head flops against Gordon’s chest. His grip on his hand loosens. The corners of his vision are becoming blurrier and blurrier, some parts of it bordering on black. His breaths are slower, quieter.

He doesn’t have much time now.

And Gordon’s still talking.

Filling the void of silence best he can.

Something about it makes Benrey smile.

Something about it makes him want to cry harder.

He probably is, but hell if he knows. He can hardly tell what’s happening anymore.

Benrey’s eyes begin fluttering closed.

“..gordon?”

“I, uh..Y-Yeah- Yeah, Benrey..?”

Benrey takes a deep breath.

“...thank you…”

And softly exhales.

Before he knows it, everything’s gone black.

\---

Whenever he comes to, Benrey finds himself lying on something...soft, comfortable, warm even. It’s definitely not the cold concrete floors of Black Mesa-

Did. Did he die for real this time? Cause, like, listen. He hasn’t mustered up the strength to open his eyes yet, but if he’s lying somewhere soft and warm then he knows it’s ten times better than Black Mesa.

He also knows, however, that there’s no such luxury waiting for him after death.

Benrey slowly opens his eyes.

Yeah, no, he’s still in Black Mesa. He can tell by the distant whirs of machinery, the bleak white and grey walls, and the-

...Beds???

There’s beds.

Why the fuck are there beds.

Benrey pushes himself up, gazing around the room.

And in an instant, he locks eyes with Gordon.

It almost makes him jump, he hadn’t even noticed Gordon sitting right by his bedside. 

He looks...tired, disheveled.

There’s the Gordon he knows and loves.

“...Benrey?” Gordon’s voice is small, hesitant.

“...i, uh..” So is Benrey’s, “...hey, man. where uh…” He smacks his lips, “where...are we?”

“Black Mesa’s medical ward, you uh...Well, your body regenerated on its own so that’s...cool? But still I figured you’d- not. Want to wake up on the cold floor after...dying again, so uh...I carried you here.”

What.

“huh?”

“Fucking- Don’t make it awkward, okay?”

“no, i mean- cool, i guess but- i coulda just found you, man, you didn’t have to do that.”

“Well- I did! I did that! So...You’re welcome.”

“...cool.”

Benrey lies back down on his hospital bed, curling up into a ball. He drags his claws across the old bedsheets, avoiding looking at Gordon.

...And it’s quiet.

Apparently, Gordon picks up on this. Because as soon as Benrey notices the silence, Gordon speaks up.

“Are you okay?” His words are quicker than usual.

Benrey blinks, his eyes flickering to Gordon, “i uh..yeah? i’m not dead anymore, man.”

“Obviously, but- I mean...Are you  _ okay?” _

Ah. That’s what he meant.

Benrey squints, “why do you care?”

“I don’t- I just. It was fucking...weird seeing you like that.”

“well, sorry, then.”

“No, I mean-” Gordon huffs, “Don’t...be sorry, I’ve just never seen you...scared before?”

Benrey makes no reply.

So Gordon continues.

“You kept muttering about how quiet it was, and how much it hurt and- Dude you were...shaking. Really bad.”

“yeah well-”

“Is it scary?”

“why’re you asking?”

“I’m trying to help you, man!” Gordon’s voice raises, Benrey visibly flinches. He blinks, looking Benrey up and down, and huffs, “Sorry, just…”

A pause.

“...I know this is a lot,” He says, “And I know we don’t get along very well, but- You..You saved my life back there, Benrey. I at least owe you the luxury of...getting whatever the fuck _ that  _ was off your chest.”

Benrey can’t help but smile a little at that.

Gordon may bicker with him, they may not get along, Gordon may yell at him (well deserved sometimes, honestly), but at the end of the day there’s one consistent thing about Gordon Freeman:

He’s a bleeding heart.

It makes Benrey think for a moment.

Maybe he had heard the sweetness laced into Gordon’s words before.

Well, of course he had, but- 

There were times that it was there for Benrey as well.

Every time Gordon asked if he was alright, with every single laugh at one of Benrey’s jokes or any of his antics, their more casual exchanges late at night when neither of them could sleep.

Stupid, softhearted Freeman.

You’re too kind for your own good.

“..yeah, alright.” Benrey says, finally.

“So…” Gordon says, awkwardly tapping his own legs, “..Do you wanna talk about it?”

Benrey shrugs, “dunno where i’d start.”

“Tell me what it’s like.”

“...you mean, uh...the dying?”

“If...that’s what will help.”

Benrey contemplates the question for a moment.

“...it’s a lot of things,” He says, finally, “and it can be different every time. like...sometimes it’s hot, sometimes cold...sometimes it takes a little bit and sometimes it’s immediate. Sometimes it’s loud and..”

Benrey’s words trail off.

Gordon finishes his thought for him, “...Sometimes it’s quiet?”

“i uh...don’t. like it when it’s quiet.”

“Do...You wanna talk about why?”

“hard to uh...not. focus on the fact that i’m dying if it’s quiet,” Benrey looks down, away from Gordon. His claws again dig into his bedsheets, trying to keep himself quiet, “like- i come back, so it’s fine, it’s not...the dying, it just...hurts a lot. every time it hurts. a lot. even after i’m back, sometimes. and if it’s quiet that means i’m alone and i can only focus on the hurt and-”

Benrey’s rambling is interrupted by a few colorful orbs of the sweet voice escaping from between his lips. The glowing lights of the sweet voice emit a dark blue to green hue of some sort. Benrey’s quick to hide his face once it stops.

“That’s...a dark blue to…” Gordon pauses, examining the colors closely, “Is that...Jade? Dark blue to jade?”

“...mhm…”

“What...Does it mean?”

Benrey hesitates.

“....alone and afraid..” is all Gordon catches as Benrey mumbles their response.

Suddenly, Benrey’s chin is being gently grabbed by Gordon. He makes him look up at him and- god, there’s something in Gordon’s eyes.

It’s soft. It’s caring. It’s not anger, or pity, or disbelief, or any form of mockery-

It’s worry.

“Hey, listen to me, okay..?” Gordon’s words are laced with a syrupy sweetness again. It’s enough to make Benrey melt.

Benrey nods.

“Again I...know we don’t get along that great, but...Dude, you’re not alone. The team and I have your back, yeah? And if something like this happens again, well...We’ll try to be by your side. I promise. Nobody...Nobody deserves to feel alone when that sort of shit happens. Not even you.”

Benrey stares, almost in disbelief.

Again, Gordon being kind isn’t a rarity. He sees it all the time, and it turns out he’s experienced it more often than he originally thought. But something about this is...real.

It’s gentle. It’s kind. It’s loving.

It’s Gordon.

And Benrey finds himself lost in those beautiful, dark eyes of his all over again.

He smiles.

“..thanks, man..”

“Don’t mention it,” Gordon finally let go of Benrey’s chin, resting his hand on the side of the bed. “And...Uh, I dunno if I’ve said it yet but...Thanks. For saving me back there, man.”

“heh, yeah, uh...no prob, man.”

Another silence.

Gordon doesn’t let it remain for long. He’s sweet like that.

“Do...you need anything, man? I’d like to get back to finding the team but I imagine you’re uh. Pretty fucking exhausted.”

“...yeah, kinda...kinda tired…”

Benrey thinks for a second, eyes falling to Gordon’s hand resting on the bed.

Benrey reaches out, intertwining their fingers. Gordon, to his surprise, doesn’t resist the gesture. Benrey slowly looks up at Gordon.

“...can you stay? just...for a little bit.”

Gordon smiles, and it’s so soft. It’s so  _ sweet, _ “Of course I can, Benrey.”

Before Benrey can say anything more, Gordon leans down-

And places a kiss on Benrey’s forehead.

He sits back up, looking down at him as if Benrey isn’t staring at him with wide, starry eyes and blush quickly overtaking his face.

“You rest easy, alright..?”

“i- y-yeah- yeah, okay.”

Benrey squeezes Gordon’s hand gently. He curls up, his eyes beginning to flutter closed again.

Gordon begins to softly hum, anything to fill the silence without disturbing Benrey’s much needed rest.

Benrey can’t help but smile as he drifts off to sleep.

He could get used to this.

**Author's Note:**

> Yooo, thanks for reading bros!! If you like this I post a FUCKTON more of HLVRAI and Frenrey content on my tumblr @Toonbly !  
> I also run one of those fancy lil HLVRAI AU ask blogs @GordonRadioTV on tumblr, check it out because it's ending literally the day I post this LOL


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